But what happens after 12 months, or longer?
If you have been out of work for a year or more, your relationship is going to go through some tough times. Even though I am not a marriage counselor, here is one tip that will get you through it.
Actually, two tips.
Tip Number 1
Give this article to your spouse. Chances are, the communication between you is pretty much at a standstill, if not worse. One of you is resentful; the other holds a grudge that will not go away. You talk, but only superficially. This will not solve those problems, but it is the second tip that needs reading.
Now, I realize that marriage counselors get paid a lot of money to help you work through these issues. I get that. This brief note will not help fix issues that have been years in the making.
It MAY help for those infrequent times when you have lost your job.
Tip Number 2
Your only job as the spouse of someone who has lost his or her job is to be supportive and positive. That’s it. Simple. No questions?
I know; I know. That is harder than it sounds. Here’s what to watch out for:
- “I’m just trying to help.”
That sounds so nice, but we all know it is just a passive-aggressive way of asking why we didn’t send out more resumes, make more contacts and make more calls. If you do not have a clear and open place in your heart and mind, please do not say it. The hyper-sensitive job seeker sees trouble where there might not be any, normally.
- “What did you do today?”
Seems all normal and natural, but we pick up on the fact that you are disappointed, even angry, that we did not apparently accomplish much. We didn’t even fold the clothes.
- “Did you hear from xyz,Inc?”
Trust us, if we hear, you will be the FIRST to share in our luck.
- “Judy’s husband is having a tough time, too.”
I know you mean well, but Judy’s husband is totally incompetent and a real jerk, and now you are comparing me???
- “How about if I clean houses for some extra money?”
All well and good, just do not expect him to be all gushy when you ask this question.
- “I think I am going to cancel cable.”
Maybe you should cut back on the kitty treats first. Taking away his ESPN now might be the worst thing.
- “I signed you up for some computer classes.”
Yikes, he might need them, true. Instead, leave the brochures on the living room coffee table. Make no suggestions on how he can improve himself.
The only thing you need to do is to be supportive, genuine, and real.
Bottom Line:
Obviously, the above are a bit tongue in cheek, but the next time, you are about “help,” ask yourself if you are truly helping or if there is just a bit of passive-aggressive showing through?
If there is, do not go there. He (or she) needs unconditional support. More than that, he (or she) needs to feel and be safe.
© Copyright, 2010, GL Hoffman. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
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About This Author:
G. L. Hoffman is a serial entrepreneur and venture investor/operator/incubator/mentor. Two of his companies have traveled the entire success path from the garage to IPO. Currently, he is chairman of JobDig, which operates LinkUp, one of the fastest-growing job-search engines.. His blog can be found at WhatWouldDadSay.com. His latest book is StartUp, 100 Tips to Get Your Business Going, available in print at www.startup100tips.com or ebook at www.wiseandwiser.com.
